


Moving on

by writeforthefandom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alone, Crying, Emotions, Feelings, Reminiscing, Sadness, cas doesnt know where to go, lonely, or how to deal with his emotions, s15e3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 01:27:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21227516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeforthefandom/pseuds/writeforthefandom
Summary: Castiel is on his own. Except he doesn't exactly know where to go, and he keeps remembering how much he really loves Sam and Dean. But he said it himself, he has to move on.Just a quick drabble thingy after Season 15's episde 3 ending.





	Moving on

Castiel stands outside the bunker, gently leaning his back against the bunker. His eyes are closed as he forces himself to breathe in and out slowly. He didn’t need to breathe, he was an Angel after all. But all of that didn’t seem to matter now. Nothing mattered now.

Tears threaten to spill as he remembers Dean’s last words to him. Their fight. They had fought before, time and time again. And they had always managed to make it up to each other. But Castiel felt like that wasn’t going to happen this time. It was over now, forever. Everything that he wanted to say to Dean swallowed back down.

The Angel wanted to rush back inside and yell at Dean. Yell at him for everything they’d been through together. Throw out all of his feelings for the Hunter. But he doesn’t. He remains where he is, cold seeping through his suit, his trenchcoat into his skin. It has him shivering eventually as the night sets in. He knows he needs to go. He can’t stay here. Dean would go check to see if he actually left. Castiel didn’t want to anger Dean any more than he already had.

He knew he should have told Dean. He knew. And he hadn’t. Because shit happens in life. He wasn’t prepared for what Jack would turn out to be. Castiel knows that burning off a soul and not having one was dangerous. But he had hoped that perhaps Jack could have been kept under control. Nothing could have been further from the truth apparently, and now he paid the price.

Stupidity.

Finally, Castiel managed to push himself away from the bunker wall. He turned around and took in its appearance one last time. Because he knows for certain now, he is not coming back here ever again. It simply hurts too much. Dean was never going to trust him again. They were done. Forever. Nothing was ever going to change that.

So he starts to walk. He walks and doesn’t hitchhike because he has no idea where he wants to go. He’s on his own now. And he’s not certain if he wants to be. But he has no one to go to, to turn to. His two best friends are now behind him. He briefly wonders if Sam would be okay with this, but Sam always takes Dean’s side. That’s what they’re brothers for. They have each other. Castiel has no one.

He should have known that it was going to end like this. Dean’s words ring through his head. Their very last conversation is one of horror for him. Castiel counts himself lucky that he doesn’t sleep. Because he’s certain he’d have nightmares. Nightmares of Dean telling him to go.

The Angel swallows back a fresh batch of tears threatening to spill. He doesn’t want to cry, even if it’s a very understandable thing. He should cry, but he doesn’t. He can’t. It’s that simple. And he hates it. Castiel wishes he could scream and cry and perhaps punch something. Let go of his anger. But he can’t. He refuses.

Stars shine above him. The moon is somewhere hidden between the trees. It’s gorgeous like this, without a city’s light pollution, the stars are as visible as ever. He stops and looks up, stares at the sky, at the million blinking little lights. So many suns. So many planets. And he ended up on the most godforsaken one. Literally.

Wherever God, or Chuck, was, he wasn’t coming back. Castiel wonders if Chuck has died yet of the wound. They really had expected Chuck to die from it. But apparently not. Chuck was obviously good at protecting himself. 

And then the apocalypse contained to a small town. And ended by Rowena’s death. Castiel never liked Rowena much, but he had great fascination with the witch now. Rowena, who had always done everything to make sure she came back to life. And now, she was never coming back again. She would be stuck in Hell.

And Jack was gone. Forever. As well. Because the vessel Jack used was burned to bits and pieces. Castiel finds it highly unlike that his son would return to him. Even if he wishes so desperately. 

Everything was such a mess.

Castiel finds himself a quiet inn where he books a room. He heads for it immediately, sheds the trenchcoat and lets himself fall down onto the bed. He closes his eyes. Angels didn’t sleep. Sometimes he wished he could. But he knows that right now, sleeping would only bring him nightmares.

_“Something always goes wrong,” Castiel says, looking at Dean._

_“And why does this something always seem to be you?”_

_That’s a painful jab. Castiel feels it burning in his chest. Feels the tears threatening to surface and spill. He can’t have that happen though. Dean needs to have some sense knocked into him. But Dean can barely look at him. And Castiel has a hard time looking at Dean as well. Because it hurts. He’d rather throw out his feelings right now. But that wasn’t going to do him any good._

_“You used to trust me,” he says instead. “Give me the benefit of the doubt. Now, you can barely even look at me.”_

_Castiel quickly thinks of the words he’s going to say yes, but they flap out like his brain has stopped functioning._

_“My powers are failing and I tried to talk to you, over and over, and you just don’t wanna hear it.” Castiel knows this must hurt Dean, but it’s the truth. He knows Dean is upset over Mary’s death. But there’s nothing to be done about it now. They needed to move on. Find a way to end this all and forever. Find Chuck, and kill him for good. Set their own course for destiny, and not Chuck’s little tantrum._

_“You don’t care,” Castiel continues. “I’m dead to you. You still blame me for Mary.”_

_He can feel himself hurting more as he considers what to do next. He knows he needs to go, get out of here. He doesn’t want to, but it’s better that way. Dean doesn’t want him around anymore. Team Free Will doesn’t consist of Sam, Dean and Castiel anymore. It’s just Sam and Dean now._

_“I don’t think there’s anything left to say.” He turns._

_Surprisingly, Dean speaks up. “Where are you going?” The words are tinged with a hint of sadness and disappointment. A little bit of fear. But mostly… relief._

_Castiel has to swallow down his tears once more as he turns back to Dean. “Jack’s dead. Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other. I think it’s time for me to move on.”_

_And with that he turns and walks up the staircase that has become so familiar to him. That is home. But no longer._

Castiel is crying now. He opens his eyes and stares up at the ceiling as tears spill down his face, into the pillow. His chest contracts with the amount of pain that he’s currently in. Now he has no one anymore. He has nowhere to go. Dean is never going to want him back. He wonders what he did to deserve all of this.

All Castiel had ever tried to do was the right thing. From the moment he tore Dean out of Hell, to everything else since then and now. And yet he’s being punished for it. He supposes it is his own fault. He really needs to stop believing that people have good in them. That they can be good, even if they’re against the odds.

He knows better now.

Heaven is failing. Chuck has gone into hiding. The Winchesters are no longer his friends. Everyone that he ever cared about other than the Winchesters are gone. And now he’s on his own.

He hates the idea.

It sucks.

But it is reality.

He must continue to live on. To move on. He can do that. Perhaps he can even fix Heaven. But he has to do something. Castiel can’t sulk around for the rest of his pitiful life. Because that is not like him. He once led armies of Heaven. And perhaps he can do it again.

So once morning comes and he checks out, he decides to give it a go. It can’t get any worse anyway. Castiel leaves the inn in search of a gateway to Heaven. He’s going to fix his mistakes, once and for all.


End file.
